Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
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I saw this ending much differently.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!