everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
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[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
how high up are we talkin’?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me