Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
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*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
My current situation
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.