I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
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going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”