Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
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I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I’ve had relationships like this
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night