[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
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*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
no
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.