Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
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Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.