Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
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I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.