So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
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“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
british sex workers really pound for pound
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
#Caturday
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.