The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
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I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat