“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
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Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.