My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
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Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Wait a second…
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18