*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
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Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
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You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.