Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
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What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.