My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
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Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.