Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
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him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude