Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
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My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Trying
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Breaking news:
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time