How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
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The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
your honor my client chooses dare
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog