Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
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Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
paddle faster i hear baby shark