I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
You Might Also Like
Teamwork makes the dream work.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Check out the legs on this baby
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.