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I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok