“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
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Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.