People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
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Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times