invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
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Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right