me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
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wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
🙄😏😂🤣
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*