My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
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Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
me refusing to leave twitter
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Untitled Goose Game (2019)