Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
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My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.