Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
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The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
A new level of troll.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it