I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
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There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.