How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
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*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”