Food gives you energy to nap more.
You Might Also Like
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
good work, detective
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.