[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
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Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Somebody’s lying.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.