Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
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My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.