I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Every work meeting this week
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Received some very disappointing news today
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.