HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
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The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Life with a cat in one tweet
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.