i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
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My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying