Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
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I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
This is my emotional support knife.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?