accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
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Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Terribly Tuesday.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
‘I know a black person’
– White people
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Posting this on behalf of a friend