The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
You Might Also Like
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Bartenders are just boneless bars
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
me as a parent
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine