Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
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First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.