I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
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I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
the pigeons are already plenty salty