My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
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Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
How dramatic are you?
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”