My background check bounced.
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Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I was just discussing this with my cat
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.