I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
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Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
August 8
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.