[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
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I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.