Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
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They got a point!
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.