So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
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[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)