[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
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Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
*watches the world burn*
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”