I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
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Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!