It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
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[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.